My grandmother's got the entire church praying for me to find a job and my close friend in North Carolina has a million candles burning in his house. Everyone is rooting for me, expect for the weather.
I hate snow. I really do. It's like the burden that keeps us going here though. Us buffaloians are miserable people who in the winter time, you just don't want to approach. The attitude I can deal with, on a daily basis. It's the driving.
It's the sliding when you want to stop. The holding your breath at every intersection because not only you can't stop, neither can anyone else. It's the person doing 90 mph in the bad weather and then stop right on your bumper expecting you to speed up. It's the not being able to see the stop signs or lights, or other cars.
It's scary. Very scary and if it wasn't for the prospect of me getting a great wonderful job close to home and the appointment that will help my family out during my unemployment, I would be curled up on the couch with a cup of coffee.
Wish me luck and say a little prayer. For the job, and for safe driving.
So they say.. even though I don't know who "they" are... when shit hits the fan, it spreads. The start of the new year I had a lot of dreams and wishful thinking that this bullshit would end and life would move on to normal. No. It didn't.
And I lost my job.
I didn't think it would of been huge. I'm a complete jack of all trades but quickly realized that I'm a jack in the box. A box which won't open with a crowbar and some WD40 to save it's life. Financially, I'm a mess. Emotionally, I'm a mess. But looking at the good parts of all of this, I have actually spent some quality time with my son. Deciding what I want in life and what I can get in life are two completely different things. Knowing that my family and friends are truly the best people.
I'm still looking.. and looking... and my butt got numb today sitting on the floor with the laptop at my sister's house.
In just a few short days 2010 will be over. I can't imagine what has changed in this past year. I kinda stopped writing and I want to apologize but can’t. Everything that happened after that, it was a mess.It still is a mess. So much of a mess it’s going to take a while to clean up, even with my lazy ass.
One thing that has majorly changed. I’m not going to censor. There is no holding back here. You don’t like it, get out. My life is fucked up, entirely. Welcome to it and be amazed.
So in July of this year. I met a man. This man was someone who kept me alive for a few times… kept me going. I’m young, stupidly in love sometimes. Love can blind you like nothing in the world. It shines more than the sun, burning your eyes to the point where you can’t see anything beyond that. Your brain wants to tell you to look away but it just seems so beautiful. Until you feel the pain.
Like I said, my life is kinda fucked up right now. Nothing really has made a step towards greatness yet. I’m hoping that this new year is going to make a good step forward.
So keep in touch with wishing good lucks and all of that. I’ll be needing it.
So this is what happened. I'm going to make this as short as possible because it's been a few months and my head hurts.
So party at my house. Honestly, it was great. From what I can remember. Tequila and Jack Daniels do NOT go hand in hand together. I got hit with a bottle rocket in the face and don't remember it. Bad huh? Well, I realized how much of a mess I was getting into.Sober words are drunken thoughts. My now ex came home and ordered everyone to go home. All so that he can sit on the couch and drink by himself. We ended up going to a fireworks show (No, I wasn't driving). Came back and talked a little. My ex said a few choice words, ended up leaving with the car for a little while, and me freaking out thinking he was going to get into a accident.
I know that it's not politically correct to start talking to another guy on a nightly basis like I had been. It was more of a "I know you like me, I'm just trying to keep this friends, ya you're a cool guy". One day, I basically said ketchup this, I'm going to do it. At my best friend's son's birthday, we talked, we kissed, we fell in love.
I tried to calm it down, but my heart and brain just wouldn't let it happen.
I let my ex know how I felt. What happened, the whole sha-bang.
It was more a decision that I felt that he didn't want to be in my son's life. It really had 95% nothing to do with what happened or that I fell in love with someone else. I know it seems like I'm making excuses, but it's more of that situation, you have to be there to understand.
My ex and I since the beginning of May have been talking about nothing more than work. We work for the same company, see each other everyday. The romance died. I talked to him countless times about the fact that I didn't want to go home, and talk about what happened that day at work. It would be different if we worked on different floors, or different departments, but we don't. When we'd go out to dinner or some-place out on a date, that's all we'd talk about.
The part about my son. I confirmed this the other day, he wanted to come home and have my son go straight to bed. Now, I don't work a early shift. I get out about 9pm and pick up my son around 10, then go home. I would like to spend some time with him before bed, but my scheduling is going to change soon. I asked him why he wanted him to go to bed as soon as we get home, he stated that he wanted some peace and quiet and not have to deal with him.
That confirmed it. What I've been feeling for years. When we first met, he told me he didn't want kids. At that time, I didn't want anymore either. But things changed, and I just started wanting to have another. He stuck with his decision, and then some.
With "him" because I don't want to disclose his name just yet. It's utterly amazing. Basically, I need to tell him to get out of my head sometimes because we think so alike. He's older than me, a divorcee like me. Has two kids, wants another one. Loves my son to pieces and would do anything for him. The reason why I know that this is something that he's not just doing to please me, like the ex, is because he's known my son longer than I've known him. An acquaintance of my ex-husband. When I say it's a small world, it's a really really small world, especially in Buffalo.
So that's the drama of my life. I'm happy finally with someone completely no drawbacks or second thoughts. We're getting an apartment in November and starting our life together. I know it looks like I'm jumping from one guy to another but if you have that feeling with someone, like gravity, you can't just let it go.
Hey Katie… how have you been?
Busy… like crazy busy. Like I think I’m losing my brain busy.
Wow, that sounds stressful.
You have no idea.
This is the conversation I’ve been dealing with for maybe the past three weeks. A few aspects will contribute to this though.
A. I got a temporary promotion. It sounds weird and it is. I’m basically taking care of the new employees and making sure that they don’t quit. Which really isn’t working right now since a few of them left already. Like never came back. There’s a black-hole somewhere in Buffalo where my employees just fall into.
I really shouldn’t joke about that, this area has a common annoyance of nuclear problems left from people who are dumb-asses and don’t know how to take care of their waste. It’s nasty
Anywhoo, the hours are the same but I’ve gone from sitting on my ass for 8 hrs straight to walking my ass 8 hrs straight. It’s good, I think I lost a pant size already.
B. It’s the summer. During the summer, I’m usually non-existent. Most people wonder where I am, a lot.
Seriously though, this area has 4 months of sunshine and then we all turn into evil little bastards who don’t like the world. Snow does hideous things to people.
Chilling with friends is big. I wasn’t blessed with a huge family with thousands of cousins that you need to interrogate anyone you plan on sleeping with at a party. Just in case.
So my friends are huge. Like planet huge. And they’re awesome.
C. From my last post. My mind has been in a million places at once. I’m trying to get my outlook taken care of. Not the computer system, but my outlook in life.
Have you ever questioned your existence? Like what we live for. Why do we get up each day and do the things that we do? What’s the point in some things and should we be doing more of others?
Don’t worry, I’m not joining the peace corps. But I would if I didn’t have kids.
Ya’ll will or should know that I’m at a tender age of 22. My life is just starting. And it didn’t start in the beginning like it should, the early middle was crap, so I’m trying to make sure that the rest of my days are better.
Honestly, I don’t want to be 30 and miserable. Not that being 30 is being miserable, it’s that’s the age I’m thinking “Ok, I’ve done this-this and this and this is what’s become of it. Did I do a good job?” Every decision you make today will affect you tomorrow but you can’t chance fate.
This blank screen has been the bareness of my existence. Words pour out of my head, but somehow can't seem to make it to paper... or this ticker.
Real emotion. Bare emotion. No hold back, looking to the heavens. It seems to never end. My heart burns sometimes, and trying to put it to paper has seemed to be the water in the sierra. Can't seem to get there yet.
Closing my eyes, hearing music. Ripping out the thoughts in my mind. But there still there at the end of the day, and somehow it feels so good.
Sleep isn't necessary, staring at the stars and realizing the world isn't so dark. Even through the darkness, there's still light. The clouds do move, the wind forces.
The stars will shine. The bareness will never end, no more. I'm done holding back.