Saturday, April 3, 2010

Freak out

So time to time I freak out occasionally over some things.

Sometimes it’s not huge, it’s the little shit that adds up over time. Other times, it’s the big things.

Tonight was one of the big things, it’s something that is unfortunately, is always on my mind.

Money, fucking money. I sit there sometimes and look at cash. Wonder why this shit rules the world. If the world was fueled on happiness then it would be better. Truly…. I’m not trying to be a hippy.

I’ve got a lot of worries over this shit. I think I do owe myself that worry considering I’ve been homeless twice. No, I’m not in the dilemma, not ever again. But the idea of not having the shit, of not being able to buy a cup of coffee just drives me a little nutty.

I keep telling myself when I have panic attacks every week when we go to Wal-Mart to grocery shop, that everything is going to be okay. When I know, that in the end, it always is. But the trip to get to okay is never okay. It’s tiring, crying, mess of shit that I don’t want to deal with but have to.

It even brings out the worst in me. I’m usually a good caring person, but when I worry about this kind of stuff. It makes me hate people. The world in general. I’m here, struggling, week to week to make by sometimes and then people get handed a check from the government because they don’t have a job. But I pay my taxes (Oh, don’t even LET me think of that one) and I work my job, day after day. Sometimes when I’m sick as a dog, when my son is sick, so I can put a roof over my head and food on the table. I don’t receive food stamps, I don’t receive any type of assistance or child support. Everything that comes into this house, is from my and Aaron’s paycheck.

So, I could be a bad person by thinking that way. But sometimes I don’t give a duck.

I calmed myself down. Got into the shower, took some care of myself which I’ve been neglecting horribly. Had a cigg, boiling some eggs for tomorrow so I can take some to my best friend’s house. And relaxing.

Right now, at 3 am there’s not much I can do about my money situation. I can sit there and cry, yell, scream, but right now, this very moment, there’s nothing I can do.

I hate it.

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